Dear BT Internet HomeHub 2.0,
Listen up broadband (at least while I’ve got your attention). I am so sick of your fickle bullshit. In case you hadn’t realised, we are racing headlong into another year together, another decade in the 21st century and it’s just not cool for you to act the way you’ve been acting. You know what I’m talking about.
I realise that I travel a bit (ok maybe a bit more than a bit) and that you might feel neglected from time to time. It’s understandable. But if you’d just stop being so f*%!*ing selfish you’d realise that I ALWAYS COME BACK. To be honest, with your behaviour as of late I’m not even sure why I do.
If only you knew the kind of wireless service I’ve flirted with across the globe this year. Here’s a little 2010 rewind for you, Seville, Ronda, Malaga… wait, are you listening? No. You’re flickering and locking me out again. OK. You’re back. I think. Now focus… Seville, Ronda, Malaga, Vejer, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, Florida, Boston, NYC, Malta, Florence, Rome, Genova, Forte dei Marmi, the Dolomites, Venice, Verona, Amalfi Coast, Tuscany, Sicily, Umbria, Puglia, Lake Garda, Milan, Paris, Berlin, Cannes, Cheltenham, Henley-on-goddamn-Thames even. Guess what those places have in common BT HomeHubby?! Did you guess? No, of course you didn’t. Let me spell it out for you: HIGHLY FUNCTIONING BROADBAND. It flows like melted butter in some of the strangest places.
I’d leave you for Virgin Media but despite having dug up my beautiful London street 12 times in the last year, apparently they don’t provide coverage in this area. And by this area I mean this building and perhaps number 27 down the road. Jerks.
I called to try to get us some help but it seems a bit silly to deal with a therapist based in Mumbai, no?
Anyway. I’ve said what needed to be said. This relationship is worth saving. I’m just not sure if you’re up to the task.
I’m late for work. Email me. The interweb works really well in Chiswick. Sometimes.
PS – don’t leave! Let’s figure this out. PLEASE!!! I love you so much when you’re there for me.